Wednesday, May 09, 2007

This is very important

Now, I rarely ask anything of you dear reader.

However, I have a request which is also a piece of advice. If you follow it, it could prove very beneficial to your life and possibly the lives of many other people. If you choose to ignore it, the consequences could be dire....

The request is this...

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO AND SEE SPIDERMAN 3 AT THE CINEMA!!!!!!

Do not waste any of your hard earned wealth on seeing this dreadful piece of hollywood excrescence.

I was a definite fan of the first two Spiderman movies but the 3rd one is quite possibly one of the most appallingly bad films I have ever seen. It is a bloated, overlong monstrosity that is at least an hour too long (although for me, it was 2 1/2 hours too long). It has too many bad guys and Kirsten Dunst looking as if she picked up her acting ability at Primark. On the plus side there are some excellent, but sadly too few, action sequences; a criminally wasted Thomas Haden Church as Flint Marko/Sandman, James Franco's intriguing turn as Harry Osborn and a magnificently funny cameo for Bruce Campbell.

Yet the middle section of the film is what really lets the whole thing down. Now, for reasons far too dull to enter into, Peter Parker/Spiderman comes under an evil influence. This would have been an excellent opportunity for director Sam Raimi to explore the dark side of Parker's personality and inject some much needed weight into the middle of the film. Yet I think what actually happens is one of the worst cinematic own goals I've ever seen.

What Raimi does is turn Peter Parker into an exceedingly camp emo kid, complete with floppy hair and black eyeliner. He looks like a bad My Chemical Romance impersonator.

What happens next is totally laughable as Tobey Maguire prances around camply, does dance moves, is mean to Kirsten Dunst and generally attempts to be 'evil'. He doesn't manage it....

Unfortunately, this piece of unmitigated tripe will no doubt take millions around the world and spawn a 4th Spiderman movie. So this is my reasoning for this request to avoid this movie. If it flops, they may not bother plumbing further depths which will benefit all moviegoers.

I won't hold my breath....

5 comments:

Nat said...

Awful. Noted. Thank you. I passed on the word of its awfulness to a friend of mine just today.

Fat Roland said...

Thanks for the heads up. Of course, you are wrong. It's just posted one of the highest opening weekends ever in the UK. Therefore it must be good. Right?

Right?!

What is Fil Mac doing standing next to Toby Maguire?

Roswell2themax said...

No danger of that. The thought of seeing those things beginning with S makes me sick and infact I have just nearly dropped the laptop when I freaked out just seconds ago at one resident in my lounge!!!

9/10ths Full of Penguins said...

welcome roswell. I had also a shock tonight when I discovered a sleepy wasp crawling around my window sill behind the curtains.

Fats, did you not know Fil was heavily involved in Spiderman 3? He was working undercover to make sure none of us would ever have to suffer through it. Sadly he was rumbled and Spiderman 3 exists...

Fat Roland said...

I've learnt that sleepy wasps are totally harmless. They can't do anything. Until one crawls across your bedspread and when you wake up and put your hand down, it stings you like a flipping mother. Man, that hurt. So in short, sleepy wasps are not totally harmless.

Roswell - my favourite animal is the spiger, which is a mixture between a spider and a tiger which only lives in my imagination.